STOP EVERYTHING YOU ARE DOING AND READ THIS REVIEW ON THESE CARLO ROSSI “WINES”!

Now that I have your attention, I have a moral obligation to tell you about two of the wines I just tried from Carlo Rossi. This is a Public Service Announcement more than a review today.

Vineyard: Carlo Rossi Vineyards
Price: $4/each
ABV: 9%

First off, these are not wine. I don’t know what the hell they are but they are nothing that I would consider wine.

Color: The Smooth Red is so light that I actually darkened the image above so you could not see through it. The Soft White looked like watered down caramel, not anything that reminded me of the color of any other varietal.

Nose: The Smooth Red had a weird musty grape smell to it and the Soft White didn’t even have a smell to it.

Taste: This was more like slight fermented water with artificial flavors. There is nothing natural about this fluid. The Smooth Red is so sweet that it isn’t palatable. It seriously reminds me of over-sugared grape Kool-aid. The Soft White tasted like someone didn’t give a crap about wine making and had the following conversation:

Person 1: “Let’s make this taste like sour apple Jolly Ranchers!”
Person 2: “Okay, we can add a one or two in there.”
Person 1: *flips table and let’s out a primal scream* PUT THEM ALL IN THERE!!!!

Rating: Never again.

These were the worst wines that I have ever tasted. Don’t buy this wine. If you see someone who is buying a bottle of this, please show them this review. On a scale of 0-10 with 0 being atrocious and 10 being world class, I would give this wine such a negative score that the depth of the curve would prevent light from escaping it.

Finally, HEB, if you see this review and you care anything for your customers and reputation as a wine seller, then please remove all of these bottles and burn them or put them down the drain. No one should be subject to this torture.

Have you had an absolutely grotesque wine? Let me know below.